Something Phenomenal Happened Today

From April 2011

My parents will be so proud. Because the subject came up with some friends, I decided to finally dust off my violin, get the E string fixed, tune it and play it. I played from age 9-16 in school orchestras and had private lessons. Unfortunately, I let myself think that I wasn't good or couldn't be good so I never ever liked performing in small groups or soloing. In fact, my sophomore year of high school, my teacher placed us after hearing us play individually but with the whole orchestra. I never had to audition. If we were challenged, then we would have to audition in front of the teacher (maybe the class too, I can't remember). So, I was 2nd chair, 2nd violin and was challenged and just gave up my spot. I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't believe in myself more to overcome the performance anxiety.

So to speed this story up, I hardly ever played after high school. I kind of played informally with a group my sophomore year at BYU but really almost never. Tony has always wanted to hear me play but I HATE playing in front of anyone, I get nervous and I think that I won't sound good. Plus there was that broken string, kids, life, etc.

So after the subject came up with friends, I put my violin in my car so I could get it taken care of when I passed the music store I'd seen. Today, after dropping Max off at joy school, Ryan and I did some errands and got the violin fixed. I also bought a $14.00 music stand because I also hated trying to play with my music propped up on a book shelf or having to lean over to see it.

I got home, played outside with the kids and then pulled out my violin. I started playing and when I hit some beautiful notes (and trust me, they weren't all beautiful), I started getting teary. The violin is beautiful and it was amazing to realize how much I did love it. I love playing. I didn't think I missed it but I did. Isn't it funny how you can rediscover things about yourself. I always felt inadequate when I played but playing to my kids who are walking circles around the stand and pulling out my tuning fork was fun. It felt so right and so good. I discovered something that I love, that I didn't know I did. Kind of surreal. The kicker came after Tony came home, I started playing. I played in front of him and let him hear my sure notes and my missed notes. I'm sure it seems strange that I would feel too insecure to do something in front of my husband, but I was. So after 6 years of marriage, I finally made it a priority to open up my violin-playing self to him. I think violin practice time is going to have to be scheduled so I don't let "life" get in the way again. I want my kids to love music and appreciate it.
I won't even go into the guilt I've felt over the years for wasting a talent that Heavenly Father has given me. The times they are a changing.